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06:48pm 08/12/2005
 
mood: confused
so some things are good and others are a little shakey.

emma is doing great. shes walking...well kinda...she'll get halfway
across a room and then try to sprint and bust her ass. its cute though.
she'll be going to see santa this saturday but i wont be there which is
beat but i'll manage.

so i got the job at holy redeemer. its alright. not the most glamorous
of work but it'll do for now. i do look forward to not being a CNA ever again.

paul and i are alright for now. he might go into the army. which im good on but
he wasnt sure that we'd make it if he did. we talked and for now we are going to see what happens. my thought is if they work they can only get better and if they dont...we'll
know and have to accept it.

i like snow for about 2 days. so now im way over it. driving and snow dont mix.
 
     Post
 
you need me like a bad habit   
03:40pm 06/10/2005
 
mood: content
wow so this might be one of the first in a while to be a more upbeat entry.

so patrick and i havent spoken in over a month and though i miss being friends
with him...i dont miss the rest like i thought i would. as time has passed i realized
that. ah good old time going by.

my parents still rocky with things. every other day they are divorcing then they
arent. they need to not tell me anything until they have made a decision cause
its driving me insane.

so paul and i got back together. its been about a month now and things are going
well. dont want to write to much about that then end up jinxing myself, but im
content and hes totally done a 360 from how he was. we are going camping next
weekend. he wants me to meet all his friends and his PARENTS after that! weird
but im excited.

school is going well. just finished up a paper due friday. nothing else to report
on that yet. im sure there will be some more in days to come.

so i got the mars volta and mae. what happened to me and when did i turn half sappy?
its funny though after i listen to them i have to throw in something hardcorish
metalish to balance it out.

emma is awesome. shes now 8 months old. i got her a halloween costume. shes going to
be a cat. it has a little hood with ears and a tail attached. its pink and black
leopard prints. its cute...it'll be worn once. and yes uncle corey will be sent some pictures
from that among others. shes saying some words...kind of...dada mama poppop ahhh baby...shes trying its
cute.

work is better. got my fridays back. which we all knew would happen it was just a matter of time.

i went to the psychyatrist the other day. filled out the paper work and made an appointment to
see the doctor. im kinda looking forward to it. its my decision to go and im hoping
the byast opinion of a trained stranger will allow me to speak a little more
freely then with a friend. its nothing personal to any of my friends or family.
its just that even though i know they wouldnt judge me i still get nervous
and think what if they did.

o well time for work. hopefully i make some loot.
 
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heres where My life begins...   
03:21am 04/09/2005
 
mood: discontent
yea way too much reggie tonite. defiantely not good with the mood im in.

breif note...im not crazy. i do however take things to heart, even if i shouldnt,
knowingly or unknowingly. this in turn make me look like a jackass. end note.




read something today. i think im supposed to feel bad. i don't. when a friend
leaves you at a time you need them the most, its not an im sorry i called you a
name and we friends again. its a you fucked me for your own selfishness and everything is not going to be alright. you cant just pick up the pieces and put them together. you lost some. it wont fit now.


and at 3:28am and the 1/2 of beer i had...that plan was foiled...yea its time for it...i think its well overdue at this point...BED!
 
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i guess im horrible for you...   
12:00am 04/09/2005
 
mood: lonely
so everything is wrong. im a mess. well aside from emma in my life. the only good thing i have going.

we've been planning my parents 25th anniversary party for pretty much the whole year. so as of i'd say a week
and a half ago i am told that we have to cancel the party and my parents are getting a divorce....WHAT?
yea age makes no difference it sucks when your older too.

patrick and i are....um i have NO IDEA! everything will be fine...then it'll be shit. we arent anything
said right now. hes the only one i want to be with. sometimes i swear i want to just forget about him
then i think a little harder and realize thats just a stupid idea.

my boss decided since his son needs extra money, because working for a stockbroker isnt a enough to support your g/f,
that he should take my friday night and give it to him. um yea thanks for taking that from my daughter so you sons g/f
can shop some more. fucking jerkoffs!

so its saturday night and i have the night to myself...good thing im stuck in with nothing to do. yea um right now
im the most miserable. yea its all about the six pack im gonna grab from the bar. least i'll end the night on a good note...
 
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this isnt war...but these are still battles...   
03:11pm 22/07/2005
 
mood: confused
im so gay. ugh now i get emotional and cry even.

well first the fun stuff. i got emmas present from corey. its so cool.

emma is crawling and has 2 teeth and tries to stand and walk.
if i knew how to put pictures up on here i would. but since
im lj retarded that wont be happening. well until someone learns me
on it. shes getting so big so quick. its so cool but i also already miss
when i had to support her neck while i fed her and little things like that.

i miss corey when he was here i wasnt sad at all. but then i think about it
and if i stole him and kept him here and i became a bigger asshole what
would happen? then i think the worst and its not ok with me at all.

now there is that and there is someone who came BACK into my life from when i
was 6 months pregnant and i honestly don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
maybe i just cant handle things on my own. like i need someone there to tell me
what to do or it'll be ok or run my life..yes run my life for me that'd be way easier.
because your friends always have it mapped out for you. and usually it seems like a
pretty good plan.

im going nuts living with my grandpa. all i want is to get done school and get
a decent job and a few months after that a place of my own. just em and i.
i wish life had a fast forward button. i'd go through the crap im not trying to get out of
doing that just need it to go in 1/2 the time.

so i think its the best when a so called friend stops talking to you for like a month
and mainly for a new b/f. then goes and talks shit to your friend whom you introduced
your friend to and after all that...calls to see how you are like nothing happened and
we talked 2 days ago. im not going to try so hard anymore. i put forth the effort
thats put into by the other person. which is how it should be. not me trying to keep
in touch while the other person acts as if the friendship is like there when they feel
like it.

thats always fun. i hope that someone (corey) doesnt get mad at me for any of this. well one part in particular.

i feel like im going to burst if something doesnt give!
 
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these are the words that tear us apart...   
02:29pm 19/06/2005
 
mood: complacent
so the new job is working out well. janice told me i was doing great and
the owner was really happy with me. good for me i suppose.

so my new cd's are awesome. thanks corey. my wifebeaters are also lovely.
now when i go to put cd's on i listen for about 5 minutes and go to another one
cause i have cd A.D.D.

went to a bar in nj this past wednesday with jon. had a good time. but i hate when people
say one thing and do another no matter the excuse unless the excuse is im dead

friday went to the bar with mike after work. ran into patrick. he was supposed to
call me but i haven't heard anything yet. apparently he has a fan club and i got
dirty looks for talking to him. not that im caring much at all.

last night i worked until 10 and my last table gave me a glass of wine. so i sat with
them for a bit and then called glen. i put him on hold like a gazillion times, but he so
makes the best hold music. haha. so i headed over to his place which im so jealous of might i add.
we went to a bar by him that had karaoke. so a good majority of the people there sucked
at life. only like one guy could really sing and he ended with deftones...highlight
of the karaoke games. i wanted to beat up horseface. i look like a danielleand hes retarded.
i made some girls scared. glen got me beers...thanks glen. some guy busted out his dance
moves...when clearlyhe shouldn't have. too cool for school guy was gonna fight took off his shirt
and rocked the yellow pit stained undershirt now isn't that just so sexy.we so couldn't play pool
cause pit stain was a table hog and i think he sticks his penis in the pockets
when no one is looking after a few beers we went back to glens and watched team
america and eventually fell asleep.

i was supposed to go to a graduation party today but my mom ran late so im not going to now.

emma is doing so great. ill be crawling soon. baby taking all over the place.
my dad saw a jogging stroller at a yardsale. i went back the next day someone had bought it
20 minutes before i got there. damn them. i need it more.

so im going back on the diet pills by next week i hope. need to lose this stupid extra weight.
i figure in 2 months i should be back to a 10 at least...maybe an 8 if im lucky. im
not going for any smaller then that. im anti axorexic looking.

so from the 1st to the 8th im house sitting for my friends karen and jimmy. should be fun. they are like you can bbq and have a few people over and whatever i want basically which is awesome. it will be nice to have a place to myself for a week. hopefully by next year i will have my own place and not need to house sit to get away. but when i get a place i will neeed a pool.

ok need to get ready for work and grab some formula for moms house.
maybe i'll update again in a couple weeks.
 
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this entry is untitled   
10:27am 12/06/2005
 
mood: sleepy
i guess i should go back to corey left...*cry* it was so nice to have him here
hes so good with emma and just an awesome friend. emma and i are so lucky
to have him.

i got a J-O-B! i started last week and trained for a total of i'd
say 4 hours and then they threw me in on a friday night. i made some cash and i did better
then i expected to for my first friday night. my boss is awesome,
my coworkers are super nice. one of my last tabled of the night gave me
a glass of wine...and im allowed to drink it at work! janice offered me a beer at 9
but i wasn't in the mood. the customers are super nice too.

so i will be able to get that kickstart on my weightloss soon. yay!
get rid of the babyfat. i have to start going back to ballys
and im gonna try to start jogging at night. hopefully i can get that jogging stroller
too soon so i can run with emma.

im going to attempt to get down the shore a few times this year. im also going to attempt
to get a tan and look semi decent in a bathing suit...ahhh summer goals are fun.

emma is a little sick. called the doctor and they said everything should be fine.
shes at the point where she is trying to crawl. i need to start child proofing.
it happened so quick. shes so awesome. i give her baby mohawks after her baths
its soooooo cute.

worked the flea market for my grama yesterday morning. WORST EVER! made no money,
had to deal with cheap russian people who want to pay a dollar for everything no matter what
then...they brought out these big speakers and a keyboard and RUSSIAN MUSIC...yeesh.
but i did get a printer and a scanner for 25 bucks which is always good times.

i should be getting my back done soon. im so excited but i think i lost the picture of my tat
i need to go look for that.

i think im going to go to ozzfest and warped tour this year. im not gonna get all drunk
though i cant stand being all bombed up at shows. i feel like its a waste if i don't
remember the following day.

time to go and take a nap then shower and get ready for work.
 
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definition of homo...COREY..muah<3   
11:13pm 03/06/2005
 
mood: ecstatic
corey is here and where are we? yea homos on my computer...casue someones
stupid flight was delayed like 15 gazillion hours...bloody hell.

we're off to get corey a room and make some movies...we both need the extra cash its all good.

delayed reaction from corey while i was typing this made it even more amusing.

time to go. done.
 
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the patron saint of switchblade fights...   
06:58pm 19/05/2005
 
mood: calm
so corey will be here in about a week which will be awesome.
he finally gets to meet emma.

so emma rolls over and gets stuck on her belly and cries. its funny.
shes laughing alot and gettingso damn big. its funny shes so cute
and i still dunno where she really came from. maybe they switched babies. haha.

so out of tara, sara, britt, and jen um jen called me the other day and so has sara.
and at this point i dunno if im even gonna care much longer. i love how your friends can
drop you for a guy in a heartbeat. understandable for your friends to spend more time with
their new guy but both tara and britt have ignored me about a month. thanks guys!

o well soon im gonna wash my hands clean of the people who have no time or concern
for friendship. i put in more then i'm getting back which right now is nothing. good thing
corey who is in Rhode Island has more time to talk to me then the people who live 10 minutes away.

so i need to find a shadey job still. just for a few months. i need an under the table gig.
anyone with any ideas please let me know. i have a few places to check out but nowhere definate yet.

so im a jackass and my check engine light went on. so im like great i have to get my car inspected and shit is gonna go wrong. um good to know that the thing goes on when morons like nicole leave their gas caps at the gas station and drive away. i need to get over there and find it.

so every other sunday i have been going to Route One Cafe. its not bad. the band is ok and the people there don't suck too much at life. and this past sunday i got hit on twice. wahooooo me. ok um yea.

so thats about it...i updated. how exciting. and now...this is the end...beautiful friend..the end....
 
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suddenly everything has changed...   
12:56am 21/04/2005
 
mood: melancholy
its funny how people say things and then when the time comes they totally flake.
i have these so called friends...so into my emma before she was born....now shes here
and no one has the time. its ok. i had my glasses on...i couldn't see who my true friends really were.

im really kinda unhappy with how my friends have been. i;ve let it be known and nothing. im sorry's and excuses but thats about it. nothing changes. and such is life...






maybe if i move away then we'll tak more...how ironic that'd be.
 
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...take my fucking hand and never be afraid again...   
04:43pm 31/03/2005
 
mood: lonely
so apparently i suck at life and im being a pain in the ass and i cannot help myself.
i hate being insecure. weakness followed by the need for reassurance. im sure it doesn't
help that the last few people i was dated lied to me and treated me like trash. and im
smart enough to have let it happen. go me! not evenyone is the same but once you have
dealt with a few assholes that follow in trend its hard to say others are different. i have
way too much time. maybe im a headcase and i don't even know it yet. hmm... at least when it gets nicer i can take emma out and then i won't
have all that extra time to question and think about every little thing and analyze them to death.

on other subjects that don't suck as much emma is wonderful and i dunno how i got so lucky
but fucking beautiful.

im so excited for spring. all i want to do is walk!!!!!!!

i spoke to someone about my student loan and as soon as i make 6 consecutive payments i will
be eligible to apply for a student loan again. then hopefully come next sprin i can go to school,
well thats the plan anyway.


ben folds may 13th! im going to pick up tickets tomorrow at 10am. im excited.

i couldn't go to the gym this week. jenn might join with me and then i'd have more motivation to go.

$356 a month for food for one person!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! ehh im not complaining i just think thats an awful lot of food for one person.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i need like an hour to myself to just go and sit and think or something.

im sorry...
 
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your the only way to dry my eyes...   
05:06pm 10/03/2005
 
mood: calm
so its been almost 2 months since emma was born. shes awesome!
she has a cold but otherwise all is well.
greg will finally be able to meet his niece when he comes home on leave april 18th to the 24th.

doug and i broke up on valentines day.
i called him break up with him and it worked out well because we both felt the same way.

im planning on gong back to school for nursing. hopefully i can. there is a course thatas 9 months and another thats a year. i need to do something because 12/hr isn't gonna fly for long.

a few weeks ago a boy i dated 4 years ago and i ran into each other again. he was in the marines when we met and had to go back to san diego so nothing came of us. since we met again though we've been together. i guess we're dating? something like that. an unsaid thing but neither of us are seeing or plan on seeing anyone else.

a couple weeks ago kim cut my hair and i <3 her for it. yay smoke and mirrors!!!!!

uncle corey hasn't met emma yet...but he will whenever hes not poor and can get here!

i've got nothing today just felt the need to update this since its been a while.

fin.
 
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your so beautiful it hurts to look at you...   
04:10pm 12/02/2005
 
mood: tired
ok so emma will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. it doesn't even feel like its been more then a week.
shes doing great and shes the mad eater! if anyone cares to see what she looks like you can go to the following link. she looks way better in person but not too bad for the hospital picture.

http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=4A1F6M4E1M

she now weighs 9lbs. and was born at 1:44am on 1/23/05.

the doctors say shes doing awesome. so im happy.

well shes asleep and i should nap while i can.


tonite: hang with emma and brit
 
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your eyes...make a circle...   
02:03pm 01/02/2005
 
mood: excited
so back to the best but most painful day of my life...
1/22/05 at about 9:30 am i started having some pains.
nothing too bad just like a poke...
a few hours later its a bit more then a poke and a little more often
then the morning.well at about 9:30 its unbearable and my dad comes
home from work. luckily i got smart and planned to stay at
my parents house for the weekend. so my dad gets home around 10ish and
we get in his truck a little bit later. mind you at this point im doubling
over each contraction which are about 3-4 minutes apart. we get 1/2 a block
down the street and then we're stuck. unfortunately my dad has a 4x2 not 4x4.
so i walk back to my house in the snow with my mom mid contraction.
o that felt wonderful...so we called 911 and had them send out an ambulance
otherwise i'd be having a baby at my parents house which wasn't an idea i
was too fond of. i was supposed to have her at abington but our options
were frankford or holy redeemer. so when we got to holy redeemer(frankford was
nvere an option) i was 9 centimeteres dialated. so basically i went
almost through the labor without drugs which SUCKED! i got a spinal(needle in the
back so i couldn't feel from the waist down) and an hour and 44 minutes later emmaline was born
7lbs 11 oz. 20 1/2 inches long with a full head of black hair. shes so beautiful.
i didn't think i would make such a pretty baby. she healthy and has the mad set of lungs.
im thinking shes be awesome in a screamo band...hmmm...all my family and friends have been great. brian is good ith her but has not a clue when it comes to baby's but im sure he'll be a good dad after he gets used to it. im really lucky to have the people that are in my life and so is emma. but yea so im a mom and im so excited.

p.s. corey you'll get pictures very soon. i promise.
 
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my eyes set on you like strains in memory of romance....   
11:53am 05/12/2004
 
mood: mellow
had a little scare.
i fell the other day on my parents lawn. wasn't anything big.
as a precaution i had to go to the hospital the next day and be monitored for like 4 hours and get an ultrasound and made sure everything was alright.
thankfully no problems.


8 weeks until the baby is due.
shes been moving like crazy. i think shes getting anxious to get out of me.
im every emotion there is i think.

the baby's name will be emmaline paige.
her room is almost ready and i am too, i think.

corey is coming to visit in a couple weeks.
i can't wait. its gonna be good times.

doug and i are doing very well.
we had breakfast for dinner last night. sooooooooo good!
he left early this morning. that sucks but i think i might go and see him next weekend for a change.
as long as he gets out of his work dinner early enough.

so im only working 2 jobs now instead of 3. i missed sleeping in on the weekends. im going to enjoy it while i can.

i got a new car. 98 chevy lumina. its awesome. im really happy with it.
donated the maxima and im going to donate the ford when i get the dup title back.
tax write offs are fun.

hmm thats all thats happening at the moment.......

today: work 2-7, clean my disaster of a room, finish laundry, sleep...
 
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i'd give you anything but you want pain...   
12:29pm 12/11/2004
 
mood: excited
so im now 7 months and all is well.

feeling a little more tired lately but thats expected.

im still working as usual.

nanny 911 made me laugh and want to punch the parents in the head!

doug and i are getting along well. im pretty content even though we only see each other on the weekends but its kinda good becuase this way we don't see each other too much! people do that all the time. spend too much time together and then a few months later hate each other.

corey might be moving down here. im so excited! i only have a few friends these days but they are the best ever and i couldn't ask for anyone else.

i dyed my hair but never got pictures o well no one cares anyway.

i finally got pictures from brittney. yay for seeing what my butt looks like...

i may be getting a new car very soon. my pop is going to take a look at it today even in the rain. hes great!

my brother will be coming home at the end of january so he can be here to visit his niece. i can't wait to see him its been like at least 6-7 months since the last time i saw him.

its funny that you make little comments and i only see them when i look to see how your doing. even though we don't talk i like knowing that your alright. friends was a nice thought but not a possibility. its a shame but o well.

back to work.

tonite: out with mother then with my bitch brittney...stupid rain!
 
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...this how we like to do it in the murder scene...   
02:29pm 31/10/2004
 
mood: satisfied
so things have been alright.

haven't been to stressed out lately which is always a good thing.

its halloween and i do believe i will be giving out candy this year. my godchildren are with their father so i won't be seeing them this evening like i usually do.

doug came down this weekend. we had fun sitting around watching movies. sucked i had work yesterday but thats ok. next weekend i only have work in the morning and then i think sunday morning we are going to try to go to a craft show or flea market. but we'll have more time to hang out saturday.

i feel like doing a jigsaw puzzle. i don't why but i do.

im almost 7 months and im growing more nervous/excited each day. im looking more pregnant every day. i feel tired a lot more lately. like me sleeping until 1pm this afternoon and not because im hung over is a bloody mazing.

i so need a safe car. aparently my car needs all this work done to it. i found this out by trying to drop it off for an alignment. so now im actually really looking.

i hate not driving. i have to send my license into harrisburg for 10 days from a ticket i got but never received last year while i was in icu after a car accident. the cop was a dick and my dad even said so and everyone hes talked to about his guy says the same thing. im not worried though. bad things happen to bad people eventually and it will come to him as well.

time to attempt at getting ready to go out with britt.....
 
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like a bullet through a flock of doves...   
02:13pm 17/10/2004
 
mood: irritated
um yea so my back is killing me.
out of work all weekend is no good!

apparently i should die. and why aren't i yet?

when i can't imagine why im being told this and i finally say something mean. i get....

SwalloThisMoment: i hope your baby dies

ok theres things you say to people and things you keep to yourself.
that was one to keep to yourself.
wishing bad things upon someone is one thing.
wishing upon an innocent life is a disgrace.
but mind you before this it was. we'd be better off as friends.
to the best of my knowledge thats not what friends say to each other.
im just more mad about it being said about the baby and not something about me.
again things will come back to him so im not too worried.

im so glad doug came and stayed for a few nights. it was nice having him around.
spun was weird but i liked it. too bad no texas massacre 3.

so i want to go to a flea market. maybe next weekend or something.
im trying to make jared go but i don't think its working.
i'll drag someone.

today: nothing!-
 
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i never said i'd lie and wait forever...   
11:43am 13/10/2004
 
mood: excited
so just got back from the doctor.
we're no almost positive its a girl as far as the girl could tell.
so emmaline it'll be.

going with heather to get her eyebrow pierced.
her son nate cried when she told him and then said i just want a normal mommy with blue hair.
the cutest!

i got the new my chemical romance and converge. both are amazing.

getting the hair done next thursday hopefully.
i need something.
its gettting boring.

i have work at 3. i already don't feel like it.

i will be putting up some fetus pictures soon for anyone who cares.

today: get heather pierced, work, hang out with the parents, sleep.
 
     Post
 
you gave up so i let go....   
11:44pm 06/10/2004
 
mood: hopeful
i've had a really good week.

i love my friends.

tonite was actually pretty decent. hung out with mike and watched LOVE IS DEATH. and its so true! um then we made out. at least i know a guy still wants to kiss me. i wasn't going to but since things have changed...

one of the reasons i love corey:


RiseAbove580: nicky your are amazing and of cours ei would do anything fo ryu
RiseAbove580: except spell correctly
truexlovexdies: haha

i should go to bed soon.

its sooooo cold.

hmmm...i got nothin!
 
     Post